likely to contain more truth than fact. Therefore I propose, making use of all the liberties and
licences of a novelist, to tell you the story of the two days that preceded my coming here—
how, bowed down by the weight of the subject which you have laid upon my shoulders, I
pondered it, and made it work in and out of my daily life. I need not say that what I am about
to describe has no existence; Oxbridge is an invention; so is Fernham; ‘I’ is only a convenient
term for somebody who has no real being. Lies will flow from my lips, but there may perhaps
be some truth mixed up with them; it is for you to seek out this truth and to decide whether
any part of it is worth keeping. If not, you will of course throw the whole of it into the
wastepaper basket and forget all about it.
Here then was I (call me Mary Beton, Mary Seton, Mary Carmichael or by any name you
please—it is not a matter of any importance) sitting on the banks of a river a week or two ago
in fine October weather, lost in thought. That collar I have spoken of, women and fiction, the
need of coming to some conclusion on a subject that raises all sorts of prejudices and
passions, bowed my head to the ground. To the right and left bushes of some sort, golden and
crimson, glowed with the colour, even it seemed burnt with the heat, of fire. On the further
bank the willows wept in perpetual lamentation, their hair about their shoulders. The river
reflected whatever it chose of sky and bridge and burning tree, and when the undergraduate
had oared his boat through the reflections they closed again, completely, as if he had never
been. There one might have sat the clock round lost in thought. Thought—to call it by a
prouder name than it deserved—had let its line down into the stream. It swayed, minute after
minute, hither and thither among the reflections and the weeds, letting the water lift it and
sink it, until—you know the little tug—the sudden conglomeration of an idea at the end of
one’s line: and then the cautious hauling of it in, and the careful laying of it out? Alas, laid on
the grass how small, how insignificant this thought of mine looked; the sort of fish that a good
fisherman puts back into the water so that it may grow fatter and be one day worth cooking
and eating. I will not trouble you with that thought now, though if you look carefully you may
find it for yourselves in the course of what I am going to say.
But however small it was, it had, nevertheless, the mysterious property of its kind—put back
into the mind, it became at once very exciting, and important; and as it darted and sank, and
flashed hither and thither, set up such a wash and tumult of ideas that it was impossible to sit
still. It was thus that I found myself walking with extreme rapidity across a grass plot.
Instantly a man’s figure rose to intercept me. Nor did I at first understand that the
gesticulations of a curious-looking object, in a cut-away coat and evening shirt, were aimed at
me. His face expressed horror and indignation. Instinct rather than reason came to my help; he
was a Beadle; I was a woman. This was the turf; there was the path. Only the Fellows and