Preface
WHEN I WAS a child, it was clear to me that life was not worth living if we
did not know love. I wish I could testify that I came to this awareness
because of the love I felt in my life. But it was love’s absence that let me
know how much love mattered. I was my father’s first daughter. At the
moment of my birth, I was looked upon with loving kindness, cherished
and made to feel wanted on this earth and in my home. To this day I cannot
remember when that feeling of being loved left me. I just know that one
day I was no longer precious. Those who had initially loved me well
turned away. The absence of their recognition and regard pierced my heart
and left me with a feeling of brokenheartedness so profound I was
spellbound.
Grief and sadness overwhelmed me. I did not know what I had done
wrong. And nothing I tried made it right. No other connection healed the
hurt of that first abandonment, that first banishment from love’s paradise.
For years I lived my life suspended, trapped by the past, unable to move
into the future. Like every wounded child I just wanted to turn back time
and be in that paradise again, in that moment of remembered rapture
where I felt loved, where I felt a sense of belonging.
We can never go back. I know that now. We can go forward. We can
find the love our hearts long for, but not until we let go grief about the
love we lost long ago, when we were little and had no voice to speak the
heart’s longing. All the years of my life I thought I was searching for love
I found, retrospectively, to be years where I was simply trying to recover
what had been lost, to return to the first home, to get back the rapture of
first love. I was not really ready to love or be loved in the present. I was
still mourning—clinging to the broken heart of girlhood, to broken
connections. When that mourning ceased I was able to love again.
I awakened from my trance state and was stunned to find the world I
was living in, the world of the present, was no longer a world open to love.
And I noticed that all around me I heard testimony that lovelessness had
become the order of the day. I feel our nation’s turning away from love as
intensely as I felt love’s abandonment in my girlhood. Turning away we