If He Had Been With Me by Laura Nowlin

If He Had Been With Me by Laura Nowlin

If He Had Been With Me by Laura Nowlin explores the complex relationship between Autumn and Finny, childhood friends whose lives take different paths. Set against the backdrop of adolescence, the novel delves into themes of love, friendship, and the impact of choices. As they navigate their senior year of high school, the story reveals the underlying emotions and unspoken feelings that shape their connection. Readers will find a poignant exploration of what might have been, making it a compelling read for fans of contemporary young adult fiction. This novel resonates with those reflecting on the bittersweet nature of first love and missed opportunities.

Key Points

  • Explores the deep friendship and romantic tension between Autumn and Finny throughout their high school years.
  • Examines themes of love, loss, and the impact of choices on relationships.
  • Highlights the emotional struggles of adolescence and the complexity of growing up.
  • Includes a pivotal accident that alters the course of the characters' lives, emphasizing the theme of 'what if'.
  • Written by Laura Nowlin, this novel appeals to fans of contemporary young adult literature.
  • newtopiccyclegrowin
372
/ 187
1
Iwasn’twithFinnyonthatAugustnight,butmyimaginationhasburnedthesceneinmymindsothatit
feelslikeamemory.
Itwasraining,ofcourse,andwithhisgirlfriend,SylvieWhitehouse,heglidedthroughtheraininthered
carhisfatherhadgivenhimonhissixteenthbirthday.Inafewweeks,Finnywouldbeturningnineteen.
Theywerearguing.Nooneeversayswhattheywerearguingabout.Itis,inotherpeople’sopinions,not
importanttothestory.Whattheydonotknowisthatthereisanotherstory.Thestorylurkingunderneath
andinbetweenthefactsoftheonetheycansee.Whattheydonotknow,thecauseoftheargument,is
crucialtothestoryofme.
Ican see it—therain-slicked road and theflashing lights of ambulance and policecars cutting through
thedarknessofnight,warningthosepassingby:catastrophe hasstruckhere,please driveslowly.Isee
Sylviesittingsidewaysoutofthebackofthepoliceman’scar,herfeetdrummingonthewetpavementas
shetalks.Icannothearher,butIseeSylvie tellthemthecauseof theargument, andIknow,Iknow,I
know,Iknow.Ifhehadbeenwithme,everythingwouldhavebeendifferent.
Ican see them in thecar before theaccident—the heavyrain, the worldand the pavement as wet and
slickasifithadbeenoileddownfortheirarrival.Theyglidethroughthenight,regrettablytogether,and
theyargue.Finnyisfrowning.Heisdistracted.Heisnotthinkingoftherainorthecarorthewetroad
beneathit.HeisthinkingofthisargumentwithSylvie.Heisthinkingofthecauseoftheargument,and
the car swerves suddenly to theright, startling him out of his thoughts. I imagine that Sylvie screams,
andthenheovercompensatesbyturningthewheeltoofar.
Finnyiswearinghisseatbelt.Heisblameless.ItisSylviewhoisnot.Whentheimpactoccurs,shesails
throughthewindshieldandoutintothenight,improbably,miraculously,onlysufferingminorcutsonher
armsandface.Thoughtrue,itishardtoimagine,sohardthatevenIcannotachievetheimage.AllIcan
seeisthemomentafterward,themomentofherweightlesssuspensionintheair,herarmsflailinginslow
motion,herhair,abitbloodyandnowwetwithrain,streamingbehindherlikeamermaid’s,hermoutha
roundOinascreamofpanic,thedarkwetnightsurroundingherinperfectsilhouette.
SylvieissuddenlyonEarthagain.Shehitsthepavementwithaloudsmackandisknockedunconscious.
Sheliesonthepavement,crumpled.Finnyisuntouched.Hebreathesheavily,andinshockandwonder,
he stares out into the night. This is his moment of weightless suspension. His mind is blank. He feels
nothing,hethinksnothing;heexists,perfectandunscathed.Hedoesnotevenheartherain.
Stay.Iwhispertohim.Stayinthecar.Stayinthismoment.
Butofcourseheneverdoes.
2
PhineasSmithisAuntAngelina’sson.AuntAngelinaisnotmyaunt;sheismymother’sbestfriendfrom
girlhood, her best friend still—and next-door neighbor. Our mothers had been pregnant together that
springandsummerlongago.Mymotherrespectablyso,marriedtoherhigh-schoolsweetheartforovera
year with numerous pictures of their wedding scattered throughout their house with a fenced-in
backyard.Myfatherwas—is—neveraroundbecauseofhisworkatTheOfficebutMotherdidnotmind;
shehadAngelina.Angelinawaspregnantfromherlover.Hewasmarriedandrichandfartoooldforher.
Healsorefusedtobelievethatitwashischild.Itwouldtakeacourt-orderedDNAtestafewweeksafter
Phineas’sbirthtogethisfathertodothehonorablething—buyAuntAngelinathehousenextdoortomy
mother,andafter writingeach monthlycheck, pretendthatshe and the baby did not exist for the next
thirtydays.
My mother did not work and Aunt Angelina taught art at Vogt Elementary across the street from her
duplex, so the summer was theirs to spend. They told us that the summer of their pregnancies, Aunt
AngelinawouldwalkoverfromherduplexonChurchStreet—herstomachlargeandheavy,protruding,as
ifitwereleadingtheway—toourlargeVictorianhouseonElizabethStreet,andtheywouldspendtheday
onthebackporchwiththeirfeetproppedupontherailing.Theywoulddrinklemonadeoricedtea,and
onlygoinsidetowatchtheILoveLucyShowintheafternoon.TheysatclosetogethersothatFinnyandI
couldkickeachotherliketwins.
Theymadesuchplansforusthatsummer.
Phineaswasbornfirstonthetwenty-firstofSeptember.Aweeklater,likelymissingtheonewhohadbeen
kickingme,Icamealong.
InSeptemberpeoplewilltellyouthattheirfavoriteseasonisautumn.Theywillnotsaythisduringany
othermonthoftheyear.PeopleforgetSeptemberisactuallyasummermonth.InSt.Louis,thisshouldbe
apparenttopeople.Theleavesarestillgreenonthetreesandtheweatherisstillwarm,yetpeoplehang
smilingscarecrows ontheirfrontdoors.By thetimetheleavesandweatherdo begin tochangeinlate
October,theyhavetiredofautumnandarethinkingofChristmas.Theyneverstop;theyneverwonderif
theyalreadyhaveitall.
MymothernamedmeAutumn.Peoplesaytome“Ohhowpretty,”andthenthenameseemstoglideaway
from them, not grasping all the things that the word should mean to them, shades of red, change, and
death.
Phineas understood my name before I did. My name had what his did not, associations, meaning, a
history. His disappointment when our fourth grade class looked up names in the baby name books
surprisedme.Everybookgavehisnameadifferentmeaningandorigin:snake,Nubian,oracle,Hebrew,
Arabic,unknown.Mynamemeantexactlywhatitwas;therewasnothingtobediscoveredbyit.Ithought
ifanamewasofunknownoriginandmeaning,itcouldnotdisappoint.Ididnotunderstandthenthata
boywithoutarealfatherwouldcraveanoriginandameaning.
ThereweresomanythingsthatIdidnotunderstandabouthimovertheyears,butofcourse,ofcourse,of
course,ofcourse,theyallmakesensenow.
WegrewupinFerguson,asmalltowninthesuburbsofSt.Louis,composedofVictorianhouses,oldbrick
churches, and a picturesque downtown of shops owned by families for generations. I suppose it was a
happychildhood.
IwasquirkyandoddandIdidnothaveanyfriendsbesidesFinny.Hecouldhavehadotherclosefriends
ifhewanted;hewasgoodatsportsandnothingwasoddabouthim.Hewassweetandshyandeveryone
likedhim.Thegirlshadcrushesonhim.Theboyspickedhimfirstingym.Theteacherscalledonhimfor
therightanswer.
IwantedtolearnabouttheSalemwitchtrialsforhistory.Ireadbooksundermydeskduringlessonsand
refused to eat the bottom left corner of my sandwiches. I believed platypuses to be a government
conspiracy.Icouldnotturnacartwheelorkick,hit,orserveanysortofball.Inthirdgrade,Iannounced
thatIwasafeminist.DuringJobWeekinfifthgrade,Itoldtheclassandteacherthatmycareergoalwas
tomovetoNewYork,wearblackturtlenecks,andsitincoffeeshopsallday,thinkingdeepthoughtsand
makingupstoriesinmyhead.
Aftera momentof surprise,Mrs.Morgansen wroteFreelanceWriter under my smiling Polaroid picture
andtackeditonthewallswiththefutureteachersandfootballstars.Afterconsultingher,Iagreedthatit
wascloseenough.Ithinkshewaspleasedtohavefoundsomethingforme,butsometimesIwonderifshe
wouldhavecaredasmuchifIhadbeenuglyaswellasodd.
ForaslongasIcanremember,peoplehavetoldmethatIampretty.Thiscamefromadultsmoreoften
than other children. They said it to me when they met me; they whispered it to each other when they
thoughtIcouldnothear.ItbecameafactIknewaboutmyself,likemymiddlenamewasRoseorthatI
wasleft-handed:Iwaspretty.
Notthatitdidmeanygood.Theadultsallseemedtothinkitdid,oratleastshould,butinchildhoodmy
prettinessgavemorepleasuretotheadultsthanitdidme.
Forotherchildren,thedefiningcharacteristicwasanotherfactIhadacceptedaboutmyself—Iwasweird.
Inevertriedtobeweird,andIhatedbeingseenthatway.ItwasasifIhadbeenbornwithouttheability
tounderstandifthethingsIwasabouttosayordowerestrange,soIwastrappedintoconstantlybeing
myself.Being“pretty”wasapoorconsolationinmyeyes.
Finnywasloyaltome;hetauntedanyonewhodaredtormentme,snubbedanyonewhoscornedme,and
alwayspickedmefirsttobeonhisteam.
ItwasunderstoodbyeveryonethatIbelongedtoFinnyandthatwebelongedtogether.Wewereaccepted
anasodditybyourclassmates,andmostofthetimetheyleftmealone.AndIwashappy;IhadFinny.
Wewererarelyeverapart.AtrecessIsatonthehillreadingwhileFinnyplayedkickballwiththeboysin
the field below. We did every group project together. We walked home together and trick-or-treated
together. We did our homework side by side at my kitchen table. With my father so often gone, The
Mothersfrequentlyhadeachotheroverfordinner.AweekcouldeasilygobywithFinnyandIonlybeing
separatedtosleepin our own beds, and even then wewenttosleepknowing the other wasn’t very far
away.
Inmymemoryofchildhood,itisalwayssummerfirst.Iseethedancinglightandgreenleaves.Finnyand
Ihideunderbushesorintrees.Autumnisourbirthdaysandwalkingtoschooltogetherandadeepening
ofthatgoldenlight.HeandhismotherspendChristmasatourhouse.Myfathermakesanappearance.
Hisfathersendsapresentthatisbothexpensiveandunfathomable.Achemistryset.Custom-madegolf
clubs. Finny shrugs and lays them aside. Winter is a blur of white and cold hands shoved in pockets.
Finnyrescuesmewhenotherkidsthrowsnowballsatme.Wesledorstayindoors.Springisapaintingin
palegreen,andIsitwatchingfromthestandswhileFinnyplayssoccer.
AllthetimethatbecameknowninmymindasBefore.
/ 187
End of Document
372
You May Also Like

FAQs of If He Had Been With Me by Laura Nowlin

What is the main theme of If He Had Been With Me?
The main theme of If He Had Been With Me revolves around the complexities of love and friendship during adolescence. The story captures the emotional turmoil of growing up, highlighting how choices can profoundly affect relationships. It explores the idea of 'what if' through the lens of Autumn and Finny's connection, showcasing how their lives diverge despite their deep bond. The novel ultimately reflects on the bittersweet nature of first love and the regrets that often accompany it.
Who are the main characters in If He Had Been With Me?
The main characters in If He Had Been With Me are Autumn and Finny. Autumn is a thoughtful and introspective girl who grapples with her feelings for Finny, her childhood friend. Finny, on the other hand, is charismatic and popular, navigating his own romantic relationships while remaining close to Autumn. Their dynamic is central to the story, as it explores the tension between friendship and romantic love, ultimately leading to significant life-altering events.
What significant event impacts the characters in the story?
A pivotal event in If He Had Been With Me is a tragic car accident that dramatically alters the lives of Autumn and Finny. This incident serves as a turning point in the narrative, forcing the characters to confront their feelings and the consequences of their choices. The accident not only impacts their relationship but also serves as a catalyst for reflection on their past and the paths they have taken. It highlights the fragility of life and the importance of cherishing moments with loved ones.
How does the setting influence the story in If He Had Been With Me?
The setting of If He Had Been With Me plays a crucial role in shaping the characters' experiences and emotional journeys. Set in a suburban high school environment, the backdrop reflects the typical struggles of adolescence, including peer pressure, identity formation, and the quest for acceptance. The changing seasons throughout the story symbolize the characters' growth and the passage of time, enhancing the themes of nostalgia and the bittersweet nature of young love.
What writing style does Laura Nowlin use in If He Had Been With Me?
Laura Nowlin employs a lyrical and introspective writing style in If He Had Been With Me, allowing readers to deeply connect with the characters' emotions. Her prose is rich with imagery and metaphor, capturing the nuances of teenage feelings and experiences. The narrative is often reflective, providing insight into Autumn's thoughts and emotions, which enhances the reader's understanding of her relationship with Finny. This style contributes to the overall poignant tone of the novel.
What audience is If He Had Been With Me intended for?
If He Had Been With Me is primarily intended for young adult readers, particularly those interested in contemporary fiction that explores themes of love, friendship, and the challenges of growing up. The relatable characters and emotional depth make it appealing to teens and young adults navigating similar experiences. Additionally, it resonates with readers who appreciate stories about the complexities of relationships and the impact of choices on one's life.
What is the significance of the title If He Had Been With Me?
The title If He Had Been With Me encapsulates the central theme of the novel, which revolves around the idea of missed opportunities and the impact of choices on relationships. It reflects Autumn's longing for a different outcome in her relationship with Finny, emphasizing the 'what if' scenarios that haunt her throughout the story. This title invites readers to ponder the significance of presence and absence in relationships, making it a poignant exploration of love and regret.

Related of If He Had Been With Me by Laura Nowlin