My mother could be the source of my recent mood, but that wouldn’t
make sense. Her absence isn’t anything new. In fact, I’m more used to it
now than I used to be, so if anything, I’ve become more accepting of the
fact that Jenny and I got the short end of the stick in the parent department.
She’s been inactive in our lives since our father died five years ago. I was
more bitter about having to parent Jenny back then than I am now. And the
older I get, the less it bothers me that she’s not the type of mother to meddle
in our lives, or give us a curfew, or . . . care. It’s honestly kind of fun being
seventeen and given the freedom most kids my age would dream of.
Nothing has changed in my life recently to explain this profound
emptiness I’ve been feeling. Or maybe it has, and I’m just too afraid to
notice it.
“Guess what?” Jenny says. She’s in the front passenger seat. Jonah is
driving, and Chris and I are in the back seat. I’ve been staring out the
window during my bout of self-reflection, so I pause my thoughts and look
at her. She’s turned around in her seat, her eyes moving excitedly between
me and Chris. She looks really pretty tonight. She borrowed one of my
maxi dresses and kept it simple with very little makeup. It’s amazing what a
difference there is between fifteen-year-old Jenny and sixteen-year-old
Jenny. “Hank said he can hook us up tonight.”
Chris lifts a hand and high-fives Jenny. I look back out the window,
not sure I like that she likes to get high. I’ve done it a handful of times—a
by-product of having the mother that we do. But Jenny is only sixteen and
partakes in whatever she can get her hands on at every party we go to.
That’s a big reason why I choose not to partake, because I’ve always felt a
sense of responsibility for her since I’m older and our mother doesn’t
regulate our activities in any way.
Sometimes I feel like I’m Chris’s babysitter too. The only one in this
car I don’t have to babysit is Jonah, but that’s not because he doesn’t get
drunk or high. He just seems to maintain a level of maturity despite
whatever substances might be running through his system. He has one of
the most consistent personalities I’ve ever encountered. He’s quiet when
he’s drunk. Quiet when he’s high. Quiet when he’s happy. And somehow
even quieter when he’s mad.
He’s been Chris’s best friend since they were kids, and they’re like the
male versions of me and Jenny, but opposite. Chris and Jenny are the life of
every party. Jonah and I are the invisible sidekicks.
