wasteoftime.Orperhapswefallinlovewithapersonwhoisprecisely
thewrongtypeforusandweknowit,butwecannothelpourselves.
Whathascomeoverus,wewonder?
Inthesesituations,wecatchourselvesfallingintoself-destructive
patternsofbehaviorthatwecannotseemtocontrol.Itisasifwe
harborastrangerwithinus,alittledemonwhooperatesindependently
ofourwillpowerandpushesusintodoingthewrongthings.Andthis
strangerwithinusisratherweird,oratleastweirderthanhowwe
imagineourselves.
Whatwecansayaboutthesetwothings—people’suglyactionsand
ourownoccasionallysurprisingbehavior—isthatweusuallyhaveno
clueastowhatcausesthem.Wemightlatchontosomesimple
explanations:“Thatpersonisevil,asociopath”or“Somethingcame
overme;Iwasn’tmyself.”Butsuchpatdescriptionsdonotleadtoany
understandingorpreventthesamepatternsfromrecurring.Thetruth
isthatwehumansliveonthesurface,reactingemotionallytowhat
peoplesayanddo.Weformopinionsofothersandourselvesthatare
rathersimplified.Wesettlefortheeasiestandmostconvenientstory
totellourselves.
Whatif,however,wecoulddivebelowthesurfaceandseedeep
within,gettingclosertotheactualrootsofwhatcauseshuman
behavior?Whatifwecouldunderstandwhysomepeopleturnenvious
andtrytosabotageourwork,orwhytheirmisplacedconfidencecauses
themtoimaginethemselvesasgodlikeandinfallible?Whatifwecould
trulyfathomwhypeoplesuddenlybehaveirrationallyandreveala
muchdarkersidetotheircharacter,orwhytheyarealwaysreadyto
providearationalizationfortheirbehavior,orwhywecontinuallyturn
toleaderswhoappealtotheworstinus?Whatifwecouldlookdeep
insideandjudgepeople’scharacter,avoidingthebadhiresand
personalrelationshipsthatcauseussomuchemotionaldamage?
Ifwereallyunderstoodtherootsofhumanbehavior,itwouldbe
muchharderforthemoredestructivetypestocontinuallygetaway
withtheiractions.Wewouldnotbesoeasilycharmedandmisled.We
wouldbeabletoanticipatetheirnastyandmanipulativemaneuvers
andseethroughtheircoverstories.Wewouldnotallowourselvesto
getdraggedintotheirdramas,knowinginadvancethatourinterestis
whattheydependonfortheircontrol.Wewouldfinallyrobthemof