29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them [already].
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not
having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to
safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how they might handle it. Also, ask your partner to
reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
You can try this practice with different people you want to develop a deeper connection with—but if your answers
start to feel routine, consider making up your own list of questions that become increasingly more personal. Two
couples can also try this practice together, which has been shown to increase closeness between the couples in
addition to enhancing closeness and passionate love within each couple.
EVIDENCE IT THAT WORKS
Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal
closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23 (4), 363-377.
Unacquainted pairs of participants instructed to ask one another the 36 Questions for Increasing Closeness reported
a greater increase in feelings of closeness than pairs instructed to ask one another 36 superficial questions instead.
Pairs who completed the closeness exercise felt closer regardless of whether they shared certain core beliefs and
attitudes, or whether they expected the exercise to work in the first place. Remarkably, their feelings of closeness
following the conversation matched the average level of closeness that other participants reported feeling in their
closest relationships.
Who Has Tried the Practice?
While there is no demographic information in the original 1997 study, additional studies explore how this exercise
benefits different groups and cultures, including how it can reduce social prejudice and its consequences:
Undergraduate freshmen in Germany grew fonder of each other and felt more socially integrated at school
after completing 36 Questions virtually with a partner, regardless of differences in migration status, disability
status, age, or sexual orientation.
White, heterosexual, English-speaking undergraduate students in the northeastern United States improved in
attitudes toward gay men and lesbian women, experienced more positive feelings of interpersonal closeness,
and showed more friendliness after they completed a version of this exercise with a partner who disclosed
their homosexuality.
Latino and white undergraduate students who were high in unconscious racial prejudice (or highly concerned
about rejection based on their race) experienced reductions in stress biomarkers when completing 36
Questions, particularly in cross-race pairs. 36 Questions also helped some students seek out more interracial
interactions and feel less anxious in their diverse university setting.
Non-Roma undergraduate students in Hungary with “fairly negative” attitudes toward the Roma developed
more positive attitudes toward them after performing 36 Questions with a Roma student for one hour.
